It has happened in more than one place that I have lived: the creeping dread of the thought, “I’m lonely.”
But it didn’t make sense to me. How could I, a natural extrovert for whom it is relatively easy to make friends, feel lonely? Sure I’ve moved around a lot and realized that in each new place it takes time to connect with others; but I felt there was something more. Something at the societal level that was also feeding into this feeling I had. The more I spoke with friends in other cities the more clear it became that loneliness was something a lot of people were experiencing; something beyond the normal feelings that may arise after moving to a new area, losing a loved one, or starting a new course at university. It really made no difference how many friends we had, whether we were extroverted or introverted, or where we lived and worked. The concluding fact was something was making us systemically lonely.
I began getting curious as to why this was so and so I started investigating. This post is the beginning of what I have been learning.
A Global Pandemic
How often do you feel lonely?
Certainly we all feel lonely from time to time. It is commonly known that the elderly are often affected by loneliness as decreased mobility and loss of partners and friends contribute to social isolation. What is less known is the extent to which loneliness is affecting middle age adults and younger populations. In the UK, almost two-thirds (65%) of 16-24-year-olds report they feel lonely at least some of the time, and almost a third (32%) feel lonely often or all the time. Almost half of UK adults think society is getting lonelier. In the U.S, 40% of middle-age adults report being chronically lonely and research suggests the actual numbers may be higher.
Globally, loneliness is also spreading. The U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy has said the world is suffering from an epidemic of loneliness. Indeed, the fact that you can now rent a cuddle in Japan seems to be indicative of that. In China thousands of people regular post photos using the popular hashtag #WhatIsYourLoneliestPhoto.
Why do we feel lonely?
There are several societal trends contributing to the loneliness pandemic: hyper-individualization, urban design, tech/social media, and our own mindset all play a role. Let’s take a look at each.
Disconnection and Hyper-individualization
In his groundbreaking book, Bowling Alone, Robert Putnam describes how humans are becoming increasingly disconnected from family, friends and neighbours as traditional forms of community bonding, such as church attendance, are diminishing. Urbanization trends in many ways reinforce this disconnection as populations uproot from their places of birth. The need for a sense of belonging is hard-wired into our brains and the disconnection from communities we once knew can trigger feelings of disorientation and loneliness.
In addition, recent decades have seen values of hyper-individualization become the norm. One clear example is the fact that the one-person household (OPH) is now the fastest-growing type of household in many regions of the world. A growing number of young urban adults live alone as a consequence of delayed or declining marriage, increasing divorce, and increasing geographic mobility. Within many economically advanced countries such as Norway, Finland, Denmark, Switzerland, and Germany, more than one-third of households contained only one person at the end of the last decade. It is estimated that, by 2020, China and India will be leading the trend. While living alone does not necessarily equate with loneliness, it is indicative of a society that is becoming more isolated.
Tech & Social Media
Technological advancements have made our lives easier in many ways. But they have also made it easier to avoid creating and sustaining substantive relationships. Many apps, for instance, allow us to find friends and opportunities not previously so readily available; but this also means relationships can be lost more easily, as a replacement one can be created with the click of a button.
Urban Design
Atomized modern apartments in a city can make us feel alone and isolated. Behind closed doors, we barely talk to our neighbours, except for maybe the awkward hello in the elevator. The isolated spaces we place ourselves in, often not by choice but because of insatiable property developers who try to maximize the number of individual paying tenants, is not helping with the loneliness pandemic.
Mindset of Aloneness
Finally, for many people, loneliness may also arise from having forgotten how to embrace being alone. The theologian Paul Tillich once wrote that “language…has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” In our modern, hectic life, taking the time to intentionally enjoy time alone seems to becoming rarer and rarer. And thus when we find ourselves alone unintentionally, painful feelings can arise. As Sherry Turkle has stated,
“If we don’t have experience with solitude—and this is often the case today—we start to equate loneliness and solitude. This reflects the impoverishment of our experience. If we don’t know the satisfactions of solitude, we only know the panic of loneliness.”
Let’s Talk about It
Clearly, all of the above point to the fact that loneliness is a serious issue that we must begin to systemically address. Unfortunately, a stigma around loneliness makes it difficult to address. LSE research shows that people often refrain from talking about it because “it implies that there’s something wrong with us.”. This is part of the reason I wanted to blog on the topic. I want to spark discussion on loneliness and better understand both the opportunities and challenges behind it rather than to simply ignore it, or feel embarrassed to speak about it.
In the next blog post, we will talk about the serious economic, health, and wellbeing implications that can result from loneliness as well as ways we can address these both from an individual and systemic level.
I want to hear from you!
What has been your experience with loneliness? I’m eager to grasp a more global understanding about the issue. Please share from which city and country you are from and what trends you see regarding isolation and loneliness.
Feel free to post in the comments or send me an email connect@naimaritter.com.